who I will be in five years?

This is a popular behavior question in interviews. But recently I have been asking myself this question a lot. every time I need to kill my time, I will start thinking about this question. I definitely want to stay employed after five years. but what direction do I want my career be heading towards at that time? Or, what do I want most in my career?

Honestly, never really thought about this seriously before. Most of the time, I just follow the main stream and here I am now. lucky enough, I am in a not bad position at this time. After 1 year and a half confusing time in PH.D. program I decided to quit the PH.D. and get a master degree only. Now, there are 6 more months to get my master degree in computer science for which I didn’t pay a penny for, instead I actually made some bucks out of it; And I have one job offer in California at hand long before graduation. Yet when I look back, I realize how much different this is from what I pictured myself when I was a senior in college preparing for GRE and applying to US schools.

At the end of my college, I got two master offer with full support, and several other PHD offers. and I chose PHD offer. I still remember one school who gave me a master offer with fellowship, Fordham University. The professor who gave an interview to me was suggesting I should take the master offer for now, and later on I can decide if I still want to go PH.D. That’s the same suggestions I got from some other people I met on Internet. However, at that time, I thought I am determined to go for PH.D. if anyhow I will go to PH.D., why would I bother to get a master at first? Isn’t that a waste of time?

Now, I can’t help thinking about that decision I have made. It’s hard to see what’s gonna happen if a different road was taken. but it’s apparently these kind of decisions do have a big impact of our lives.

so I feel so confused about the future. it’s uncontrollable and can’t be planned. some one will tell me, “that’s why you need to follow your heart, so you will feel happy at least”. I would agree with this. but unfortunately I just cant tell what my heart is telling me to do. Even I hear something in my heart, I will think is this good? am I just finding excuses for not choosing the difficult path which more people like better? or do I really know that’s what I want? Or I will ask myself, is this difficult path worth it?

I will fall back, flinch, retreat. and so I don’t get to test what’s my heart telling me to do.

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